Happy couples promise to love, honour and remember the good times

Happy couples promise to love, honour and remember the good times

Happily married couples actively build up a store of positive memories to keep their relationship "bank accounts" firmly in the black, according to a University of Queensland study.

For her PhD with the Psychiatry Department, Dr Sue Osgarby observed 53 Brisbane couples recalling a time they had felt very close to their partners. Half the couples had been assessed as happily married and half as unhappy in their marriages with the average length of married life being 14 years.

"Treasured moments included big events such as holidays and the birth of children but most were more run-of-the-mill events such as a Friday afternoon glass of wine on the back deck or simply chatting and teasing each other after tea. Every one of the treasured positive memories discussed involved feeling important and special to each other," Dr Osgarby said.

"Sometimes traumatic events such as illness or the loss of a child were recalled as these were still times one or other partner reported feeling especially close to their spouse by just having them there for support and comfort. Interestingly, no wedding days were recalled."

The study found in happy relationships, couples tended to tell stories together, using the word "we" frequently and sharing in the nostalgic delight. "This is what we termed ?meshing' as it revealed a connectiveness and togetherness between happy partners," Dr Osgarby said.

"However, when unhappy couples spoke of positive memories, each spoke about chosen events as individuals. Sometimes they sniped at each other or continued to criticise even when the other partner was being nice. An example of this was when one partner chose an event from the early part of the relationship and the other remarked ?Did you have to go that far back to find something nice!"

In a second part of the study, Dr Osgarby found that up to a week later, couples in happy relationships recalled good relationship events in an even more positive way that at the time. Unhappy couples tended to magnify negative events in their memories and forget the positive ones, she said. Dr Osgarby said the study provided an important new insight into marital communication patterns and their effect on satisfaction levels and would assist marriage counsellors to better help troubled couples and prevent newly married couples heading into serious problems.

"The study suggests married couples should be actively building up a store of positive memories to keep their relationship bank accounts in the black. In this way, when an emotional withdrawal is made in the form of some crisis or conflict, the marriage remains stable and healthy," she said.

For more information, contact Dr Sue Osgarby (telephone 07 3875 6597).